I Can't Do This Anymore
by CrazyKitCat
Summary: Remus and Sirius have been cooped up since James and Lily died. They need to get out, but have no idea how to move forward.


**Prompt 1: "I can't do this anymore" and/or "Dancing" **— **Rated T**

* * *

"I can't do this anymore."

Sirius's head snapped up at Remus's comment. He knew that Remus was exasperated at how many more hours that he had to work recently, but…

"We need to get out of the house," Remus continued. "All we ever do is work, or we're cooped up here with baby Harry."

"Don't give me a heart attack like that!" Sirius exclaimed, clutching the front of his shirt as if he had had a heart attack… which he _had_. "You made me think you were going to break up with me or something!"

Remus's eyes widened in horror at the thought.

"Never," he promised vehemently as he took a seat beside his boyfriend. "I love you more than anything Pads, I just need us to focus on _us_ for a little bit. The war is over and we haven't had a second to breathe and just be happy since we were sixteen."

"It's hard to feel happy about anything anymore," Sirius admitted softly. He frowned sadly as he looked down at the floor. "Ever since we lost Prongs and Lily, it's just been—"

"Hard," Remus nodded in understanding. Sirius and James had been blood-brothers. They had done an entire ceremony when they were sixteen to cement it and everything. "I know you miss them, and I do too. But James and Lily are _gone,_ Sirius. Do you really think they would have wanted us to give up our entire lives mourning them?"

"No," Sirius shook his head. James would have scolded them worse than when he had tried to send Severus to the Shrieking Shack and Lily would hex them both black and blue. "They would have wanted us to move forward with our lives."

"So why haven't we?"

Sirius was quiet for so long, Remus wasn't sure he would get an answer to his question.

"It feels like betrayal," Sirius admitted. "What right do we have to move forward, to go on dates and _live_ while they're _gone?"_

"We have the same right that anyone else who survived the war does, Sirius," Remus told him.

"It's just not _fair!"_ Sirius shouted. "They should still be here and I should be—"

"Dead?" Remus growled at the thought. "And how would that be fair to me? _Life _isn't fair, Padfoot!" Remus exclaimed as he stood. "I miss them just as much as you! James was _my _first friend too! _Peter _was as much a brother to me as James was to you! It breaks me inside to know that he betrayed James and Lily, but the thought of _you _dying instead is enough to send a knife through my heart."

"I wanted to hunt him down and _kill_ him when I realized what he'd done," Sirius admitted. "But the news was spreading too fast. I knew Frank and Alice were still at risk and we couldn't lose them too."

"You probably saved their lives," Remus nodded, incredibly grateful that his partner had chosen to protect their other friends rather than hunt down Peter. "They captured Bellatrix a block away from the Longbottom safe-house. If they had left, they would have been captured and probably tortured to death."

"Or insanity," Sirius admitted, knowing his cousin too well. She liked to 'play with her food' too much. "And I know, but it doesn't make me feel any better about Prongs."

"It makes _me _feel _worlds_ better!" Remus told him urgently. "Due to current legislation, I _never_ would have been allowed to raise Harry alone. If you had killed Peter and gone to Azkaban, Harry _would _have gone to Lily's sister and her awful husband and I'd be _alone!"_ Remus choked on his sob as emotion overwhelmed him. This was the first time either man had opened up since they lost their pack members the previous Fall. Feeling suddenly overwhelmed, Remus stood. "I'm going for a walk. I'll be back in a bit."

Sirius gave him the saddest puppy dog eyes, but understood that Remus just wanted a few minutes to calm down. Remus left his parents' old cottage at the sight of Sirius's nod.

Walking through the property towards the nearby pond, Remus did his best to calm down. He knew that Sirius didn't know how to cope and if he were being honest, Remus wasn't sure how he was supposed to deal with the loss either. He was just tired of sulking in their home, hoping time would change what was already taken away.

He would never forget or stop missing his friends, but he wanted to move forward and start to live again.

Sitting on a bench overlooking the pond, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He enjoyed the feeling of the crisp fall air on his face and in his lungs as he tried to calm his anxiety. The green leaves on the trees were just beginning to turn golden and red. The pond would begin to ice over in a few short weeks.

Remus smiled at the thought of taking two-year-old Harry sledding and teaching him how to make snowmen this winter.

The little boy reminded them of his parents more every day. While Harry was the spitting image of both James and Lily, it was his personality where both his parents really shone through. He had James's impulsive streak and Lily's kind heart. Earlier in the summer, he had asked Sirius to take him dog sledding through the mud on the same rainy day he had tried to feed a "stray toad" he had found on the porch. If Remus hadn't had proof that Harry was their son before, he had definitely had confirmation in that moment. Moments like those stopped Remus in his tracks as he saw his beloved friends in the face of their child.

Remus felt like the most blessed man in the world that the Ministry and Dumbledore hadn't taken Harry away from them when James and Lily died, honoring the will the Potters had left behind despite Remus's lycanthropy. Along with the new release of the Wolfsbane potion and his loving boyfriend's constant insistence they use his inheritance from his uncle to buy it, Remus couldn't remember the last time he had felt so at peace.

And yet, his love life was beginning to feel like it was falling apart around him. He wanted to embrace this new life alongside Sirius, loving and supporting each other forward out of this darkness, but his Animagus boyfriend insisted on living in regret and guilt. _No one_ blamed him for Lily and James' deaths, except for himself. Once Peter had been captured, he admitted everything and had been sentenced to life in Azkaban.

As if summoned by his thoughts, Remus heard Sirius walking carefully down the slope towards him. Remus heard Harry's excited babble accompany his footsteps as they approached.

"I'm sorry," Sirius apologized as he put Harry down, the young boy running over to splash in the water as the Animagus sat down by his boyfriend.

Remus said nothing as he kept his eyes closed. The only signal he gave that he had heard the apology was when he moved his hand to intertwine with Sirius'.

"I just don't know how to move forward after everything that's happened," Sirius admitted.

"We do it together," Remus told him.

When Sirius nodded his assent, Remus finally felt like they actually could.


End file.
